This was a winner in a competition in Britain's New Statesman magazine.   Fox hunting had just been banned in England and the challenge was to find a politically correct alternative to traditional hunting songs like 'A-hunting we will go'.   (Note on Britishisms: 'caravan' = trailer, 'traffic jam' = gridlock, 'arse' = well, I suppose that's obvious).

A-Hunting We Can't Go

A-driving we will go, a caravan in tow
Heigh ho, my ragged nerves, a-driving we will go!
And now of course I am, stuck in a traffic jam
I swear that come next holiday
A-driving we won't go

A-cycling we will go, to keep blood pressure low
Heigh ho, my aching arse, a-cycling we will go!
There are few cycle paths, just motoring psychopaths
I swear that come next holiday
A-cycling we won't go

A-hiking we will go, leave traffic far below
Heigh ho, my breaking back, a-hiking we will go!
The rights of way are blocked, the farmers' gates are locked
I swear that come next holiday
A-hiking we won't go

A-drinking we will go, and rid ourselves of woe
Heigh ho, we feel no pain, a-drinking we will go!
A new pub called "The Grouse", is not far from our house
I swear that come next holiday
A-drinking we will go

Home        Writings        Poems