All my own jokes.

Part 2:   Non-Topical Jokes   (They have no excuse).

The problem with “God save the Queen” is that there is no evidence for the existence of the former and no justification for the existence of the latter.

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I have just finished reading The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins.
It certainly makes one think about the absurdity of faith.
I mean, how can any sane, rational person, in this scientific age, believe in the existence of memes?

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It is often said that there is much evil in the world, but that most people are good.
I believe there is a lot of truth in that.   50%, to be precise.

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Would you believe a woman at work complained when I gave her the Heimlich maneuver?
Mind you, she wasn’t actually choking when I did it.

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Did you hear about my wedding day disaster?   It went ahead.

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A friend of mine told his wife he wanted to be a landowner.
So she kicked him in the balls and said, "There you are -- that'll give you a couple of achers".

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Cosmologists are wrestling with the question of what came before the Big Bang.
I can tell them: It was the voice of God saying “I should never have eaten those curried eggs.”

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There are three Arquette brothers, two of whom have lost their Cox.

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There might well be some truth to the story of the curse of Tutenkhamen.
Did you know that all the members of Howard Carter's expedition have died?

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Gift idea #1: What to give the girl who has everything?
A man who has everything else.

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Gift idea #2: What to give the man who has everything?
A girl who would appreciate some of it.

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I'm not saying Hugh Heffner has a drug-assisted lifestyle, but his friends now refer to him as 'Viagra Falls'.

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Thought for the day:
Are shopfitters counter-productive?

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A guy walks into a bar.
In the bar he meets a chicken.
So he asks the chicken, "Do you come here often?"
"Yes," says the chicken, "You see, I live just across the road."

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How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?
It depends what you mean by 'does'.

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Thought for the day:
Aboard Noah's Ark, what did the anteaters eat?

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What has pointed ears and says, "Thank you very much"?
Elvish Presley.

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My blonde friend told me, "I'm going to learn the mazurka."
"Why?" I asked.
"My boyfriend said he'd love to see me do some Pole dancing."

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Two blondes are preparing to go out.
First blonde: I think we should take umbrellas, the forecasters said there was a 50% chance of rain.
Second blonde: I wouldn't bother; they're wrong half the time anyway.

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Why did the tortoise cross the…oops!

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What do you get if you cross a jelly fish with a jackdaw?
A numbing bird.

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Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many do you want it to be?

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Interesting fact: The Germans eat more sausages per square head than any other nation.

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Proof of divine providence: However you break an egg, it always falls into the pan yolk-up.