All my own jokes.

Part 1:   Topical Jokes   (They were funny once).



2018.
Online dating sites specifically for Trump supporters have started appearing.
The big advantage is that prospective partners will believe everything you say in your profile.

*   *   *

If any Chinese friends invite you to celebrate the lunar new year by sharing some of their chow, do bear in mind that this is the year of the dog.

*   *   *

Unfortunately, Trump won't be able to march at the head of the parade, as he has bone spurs in his heels.

*   *   *

2017.
Remember: When you are on a United flight and you hear the announcement, “Is there a doctor on board?” it’s a trick question and you should keep very quiet.

*   *   *

Scotland could never become a part of Canada, as some people are suggesting - it would mean Canadians would have to say everything three times, in English, French and Scots.

*   *   *

Russia is making great progress toward being a free and open society; the opposition leader has only been arrested, not assassinated.

*   *   *


I have never followed a politician’s tweets before, but I always look forward to seeing Trump’s latest efforts.
Today I learned that the President can spell “Schwarzenegger” but not “tap” and - most alarming of all - the revelation that the Russian ambassador visited the White House 22 times during the Obama administration.
I mean, what’s the country coming to, when you have foreign ambassadors visiting the White House?

*   *   *

At least they noticed they'd named wrong Best Picture within a minute or two. After a month, Americans still haven't noticed they elected the wrong President.

*   *   *

Confirmation of Sod’s Law: John Roberts will get the oath of office right this time.

*   *   *

2016.
I fear that the inauguration is going to be a disaster; many celebrities have refused to participate, but Donald Trump is going to be there.

*   *   *

Trump is confident that he will never be diagnosed with pneumonia, as he is pretty sure his doctor can't spell it.

*   *   *

I don't know why it took so long for the French - of all people - to realize that the sight of a woman
stepping out of the sea with a soaking wet burkini clinging to her is something to be encouraged, not banned.

*   *   *

Indiana has been badly hit by tornadoes. Fortunately, our Governor has influential friends, so maybe he can get us some Play-Doh.

*   *   *

Donald Trump, having reminded us of the terrible events of 7/11, is now promising to build a Walmart all along the Mexican border.

*   *   *

Paul McCartney has launched a bid to get his Beatles songs back.
What a pity he can't get his voice back while he's at it.

*   *   *

A topical Clerihew:

Donald J Trump
Is an absolute chump.
To prove he is not small,
He'll build a great big wall.

*   *   *

There's no longer a "Jeb!" in the race but there's still a "Trump?"

*   *   *

2015.
Josh Duggar has now admitted to child molestation, porn addiction and infidelity.
Look out for his new reality show, "3 Scandals and Counting".

*   *   *

Now that Harry Shearer is leaving The Simpsons, I suppose Mr Burns, Waylon Smithers, Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Kent Brockman, Dr Hibbert, Lenny Leonard, Principal Skinner and Otto Mann will need new voices.
Maybe this time, they could all be different from one another.

*   *   *

President Obama says his Presidential Library will be in Chicago.
Actually, that will be a fake. The real one will be in Nairobi.

*   *   *

Governor Christie may have spent over $300,000 on food and alcohol, but the taxpayers can't complain that there's nothing to show for it.

*   *   *

2014.
It's a pity Vietnam didn't have any skilled hackers. We might have been spared the Rambo movies.

*   *   *

CNN anchors have started wearing hazmat suits when reporting on Ebola. I really think that's overdoing it.

*   *   *

The Queen has advised the Scots to think very carefully before opting for independence.
She may be above politics, but she's not above protecting her Scottish property holdings.

*   *   *

The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting another burden on the British taxpayer.
If the Scots are sensible enough to vote for independence this month, can we give them the royal family as a leaving present?

*   *   *

Craig Ferguson says he wanted to leave the Late Late Show before he stopped enjoying it.
I wish he'd left before I stopped enjoying it.

*   *   *

All men in North Korea are now required to get the same haircut as their leader, Kim Jong Un.
If Obama passes a similar edict here, a lot of us will find it difficult.

*   *   *

Gwyneth Paltrow has opted for "conscious uncoupling" from Chris Martin.
Coincidentally, in my sleep I've been opting for unconscious coupling with her.

*   *   *

2013.
North Korea has issued threats of violence to South Korea, threatening to "strike mercilessly without notice".
Now we know why Dennis Rodman is over there – he's employed as a speechwriter.

*   *   *

It turns out that the sign language interpreter at former President Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was a fake.
Nobody noticed of course, when he was signing President Obama's speech, but with other speakers it became obvious his signing was meaningless.
I bet we haven't heard the last of this.

*   *   *

I hear that Nigella Lawson has some great recipes for pot roasts.

*   *   *

China has launched a Lunar probe.
If it's successful, they'll declare a no-fly zone around the moon.

*   *   *

I'm not surprised that Rolf Harris has been charged with creating obscene images. Have you seen his portrait of the Queen?
And he should certainly be prosecuted for what he did with Two Little Boys.

*   *   *

Scientists have been researching what it is that makes Usain Bolt such a fast runner.
Their conclusion is that he is very tall and thus has a long stride.
I'd never have thought of that. Isn't Science wonderful?

*   *   *

European governments are expressing astonishment at the news that the US has been spying on them for years.
Don’t tell them the Pope wears a funny hat – the shock might prove too great.

*   *   *

The Pope has stated that atheists can go to Heaven.
I was looking forward to an uninterrupted sleep. Now it seems I'll have to face an eternity of hearing Christians say, "I told you so".

*   *   *

Chaz Bono has lost 60 pounds.
Now he’s not half the whatever he was at the time that he used to be.

*   *   *

So many people are saying negative things about Margaret Thatcher, I wonder if she's turning in her grave?

*   *   *

The new Pope is from Argentina.
I suppose his first action will be to launch a crusade against The Falkland Islands.

*   *   *

The Catholic Church is learning something from all its recent scandals:
After they elect the new Pope, they’ll immediately burn the evidence.

*   *   *

Catholics should choose a new Pope the same way Tibetan Buddhists choose a new Dalai Lama.
Priests could travel around, examining little boys…
…on second thoughts, maybe not.

*   *   *

The new Pope has to be from Africa.   That’s the only continent with Cardinals not under investigation for sex abuse.
The Papacy is safe for a while yet, until African legal procedures improve.

*   *   *

It’s the American dream:
Anyone, no matter how untalented, charmless and irritating they may be, can grow up to be an Oscar host.

*   *   *

All good Christians should give something up for Lent.
But I’m afraid the Pope rather overdid it this year.

*   *   *

2012.
I just watched a report on CNN about the military developing an “invisibility cloak”.
Personally, I’ll believe it when I don’t see it.

*   *   *

I’m not surprised that Prince Harry has returned to active duty in Afghanistan.
After all, he left us in no doubt that he has the balls.

*   *   *

If it's legitimate crap, the political body has ways to shut the fuck up.
How Todd Akin wishes that were true.

*   *   *

The London Olympics were a great success.
Athletes from Congo and Cameroon enjoyed it so much, they decided to stay.
Now that didn’t happen in Beijing.

*   *   *

Lily Allen is changing her stage name to Lily Rose Cooper.
Now all those people who’ve never heard of Lily Allen will have to get used to never having heard of Lily Cooper.

*   *   *

I don’t mean to be undiplomatic, but I have to say, Mitt Romney’s preparations for becoming President are a little disconcerting.

*   *   *

I hope Katie gets custody of Suri, and Tom gets custody of all their Thetans.

*   *   *

The Olympic flame will be lit in a ceremony in Olympia, Greece, today.
But only if Germany loans them the money for the lighter fuel.

*   *   *

Mitt Romney will never support gay marriage.
He is a man of strict religious belief and for him, marriage can only ever be between a man and women.

*   *   *

Do you really think our country is ready for an apologetic Robert De Niro?

*   *   *

How reassuring to see that President Obama and Prime Minister Cameron got along so well.
Now we know that, if the US invades Iran or Syria, the British will stand by them.
And if Argentina invades The Falklands, the US will stand by.

*   *   *

Could the rise in Tide thefts result in a crime wave?

*   *   *

You can tell that Americans care about the British:
Network television showed plenty of footage of Prince Harry dancing in Jamaica, to cheer us up with good news, but ignored the 6 British soldiers killed in Afghanistan, so as not to upset anyone.
Now wasn't that thoughtful of them?

*   *   *

Congratulations to Engelbert Humperdinck, the 75-year-old singer who will represent the UK in the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest.
Perhaps the hope is that the Germans will mistake him for the original Engelbert Humperdinck and vote for him.

*   *   *

Will the year of the Water Dragon turn out to be the year of the Newt?

*   *   *

If Gingrich wins the nomination, he'll ask the GOP if he can have an 'open candidacy',
whereby he can briefly switch his allegiance to other parties when he feels the urge to do so.

*   *   *

It will be the sweetest of ironies if Mitt Romney fails to become the GOP nominee because he is exposed as a successful capitalist who kept his tax as low as possible.

*   *   *

When Mitt Romney is accused of being ‘Mr one per cent’ it’s not his wealth we’re talking about, it’s the tax rate he pays.

*   *   *

From the Halls of Montezuma,
To the shores of Tripoli;
We fight our country's battles
With our guns and bombs and pee;
First to fight and kill the bad guys,
Then to douse them with urine,
We are proud to claim the title
Of United States Marine.

*   *   *

Right-wing Republicans were quick to decide that Obama is the Antichrist.
Why can’t they decide who’s the Anti-Romney?

*   *   *

2011.
Dressed in his magnificent gold-embossed regalia, Pope Benedict XVI urged worshippers to "see through the superficial glitter of this season and to discover behind it the child in the stable in Bethlehem".
What a good idea.

*   *   *

Not long ago, we were wondering, "Who is this Cain guy?"
Now we know - he's Herman...and her man, and her man and...

*   *   *

If we are going to have a 'lost decade', why does it have to be the one in which my retirement benefits are due?

*   *   *

So on his way to a dinner, laid on at great expense for him, the President stops off at a fast-food place for some chicken wings.
He should have ordered some diplomatic skills on the side.

*   *   *

Lindsay Lohan turned up late for her community service at the morgue.
To be fair, all the customers were late, too.

*   *   *

Sarah Ferguson is moving to Los Angeles.
In exchange for a suitcase stuffed with cash, I can get you access to her.

*   *   *

At last America has a new, successful export:
Street protests.

*   *   *

When it comes to a 9-9-9 plan, Obama is way ahead of Herman Cain:
Unemployment is 9%,
the US Government's budget deficit is 9% of GDP,
and healthcare costs are rising at 9% per annum.

*   *   *

Today is the Global Day Of Action, when all over the World, people will gather together to do not very much for no particular reason.
A sort of outdoors Facebook.

*   *   *

The Wall Street protestors were delivering the familiar chants:
“What do we want? We don’t know! When do we want it? No idea!”

*   *   *

Arnold Schwarzenegger is writing a memoir.
I suppose it will be called Total Recall.
That’s what we needed during his Governorship.

*   *   *

Authorities in Ohio are trying to figure out why hundreds of pairs of panties were dumped along the side of a road.
They could start by asking Charlie Sheen if he was on tour in the area.

*   *   *

Obama's uncle knew exactly whom to call when he needed a bailout.

*   *   *

Maybe I should wish Michele Bachmann a happy birthday, too.
These things seem to be as flexible as the debt ceiling.
(After all, if Elvis didn’t die when he did, then why should he have been born when he was?)

*   *   *

I was tempted to say that the England cricket team is running riot at the moment, but I decided that might be an unfortunate choice of words.

*   *   *

It's the President's birthday during Ramadan, and the Birthers will be watching carefully to see if he refuses to eat any birthday cake before nightfall.

*   *   *

Arnold Schwarzenegger has had to amend his divorce paperwork, after a mistake over who should pay for the legal fees.
He never was very good at drafting financial arrangements.

*   *   *

Scientists have discovered that stick insects, which inhabit shrubland around the west coast of the US, have lived for one million years without sex.
I can relate to that.

*   *   *

The bad news is that Borders is closing.
The good news is that it sounds like the US has finally managed to close some of its borders.

*   *   *

Rupert Murdoch is hopping mad.
A huge scandal is hitting the UK, and his best-selling Sunday paper is no longer there to report it.

*   *   *

A bobblehead doll of Justice Clarence Thomas has been issued.
I suppose he'll no longer need to attend the Supreme Court in person.

*   *   *

Bomb implants are the latest scare for the TSA.
Here are some of the comments I've overheard:

"Excuse me Sir, have you had a stick of dynamite implanted or do you just really enjoy flying?"
"That woman's breasts are ticking.   Careful, it could be a booby trap."
"That passenger's either enjoying himself or he's trying to pull the pin out of a couple of grenades."
"Yes, Your Honor, I admit I nearly blew a hole in the fuselage, but it wasn’t a bomb -- it was those curried eggs I had for breakfast."
"What!   They hid explosives inside one of the cattle they were shipping over?   That's abominable!"
"He considered being a human bomb until they explained how he'd have to light the fuse."

*   *   *

Say what you like about Michele Bachmann's Presidential aspirations, her husband would make a great First Lady.

*   *   *

Who cares if Michele Bachmann gets her facts wrong?
If she becomes President, she’ll be making history.
Until then, she just wants to change it a little.

*   *   *

Mitt Romney has one thing going for him in his Presidential bid:
He’ll never make the mistake Anthony Weiner did.
His religion forbids him to show his magic Mormon underwear in public.

*   *   *

The media now have access to tens of thousands of Sarah Palin's emails dating from her time as Alaska's governor.
Among the bombshell revelations are, “The Palins once hung out with an Elvis impersonator” and “Palin was really into the Iditerod”.
If that doesn’t push Weiner off the front page, nothing will.

*   *   *

Rep. Weiner has launched an investigation into who might have hacked into his brain.
He says he did not say the things he said, and his lies were a ’prank’.
He cannot definitively say whether the words he used were his or not, or whether they might have been Audioshopped by a hacker who gained access to his neural circuits.

*   *   *

I wish the media would leave Rep. Anthony Weiner alone.
Things are hard enough for him as it is.
He needs someone to stick up for him.

*   *   *

Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
But I am afraid that I might fail in
Making it clear to Sarah Palin.

*   *   *

Italian seismologists are being tried for manslaughter, for failing to predict the 2009 L'Aquila earthquake.
In their defense, the seismologists say it wasn't their fault.

*   *   *

Contrary to what you may have heard, The Rapture actually did occur yesterday.
Unfortunately, only two of us were lifted up -- Foghorn Leghorn and me.
Not surprisingly, God was furious, and gave his angels what can only be described as a Hell of a talking to.
“Is this the best you could do?” He thundered, “One of them’s a cartoon character! And the other one never even believed in me!”
“Well, he does now”, protested an angel.
It was a mistake. God’s beard turned puce with rage. I swear that angel would have been reduced to a pile of scorched feathers if Foghorn had not intervened.
“Now listen, Lord,” he said, “These here angels, they did their, I say they did their best. Things are tough down there right now, and when I say tough I mean tougher than my cousin Sally’s beefsteak, and that’s so tough you could chew it till your teeth wore down and it still wouldn’t, I say it still wouldn’t…”
“Get to the point!” roared the Almighty.
“Well, the point is, they looked so long and hard for an honest human that they got, I say they got as frustrated as a dung beetle in a taxidermist’s shop. And in the end, I say in the end, they settled for the first human they found who’d always paid his taxes on time and never got a parking ticket. As for me, I say as for me, I’m not exactly sure how I got here. I guess I just talked them into it. You see…”
“Enough!” God groaned. “Take the two of them back down,” he told his angels, “I’ll give humanity a few thousand more years to come up with something better. If they don’t, I’ll end the World anyway and start over in another galaxy,”
And that’s how it was. The World ended not with a bang, nor a whimper, but with a reprieve. Let’s make the most of it.

*   *   *

You know, I am an eminently rational person, not given to superstition or crackpot beliefs (see below) but, if there is an earthquake here in California today, I will in all likelihood shit myself.

*   *   *

To all those followers of Harold Camping, who believe that the World will end on May 21:
Sell all your property, including your home, to me, at 10% of market value.
In return, I will allow you to use the property at no charge until May 22, while you celebrate the coming Rapture with the help of that 10% payment.
Come May 22, I will of course take possession of all that property, but by that time you will have moved to your dream home.
Think of it -- this could be the deal to end all deals.

*   *   *

So The Germinator was doing it to his domestic staff before doing it to California.
The difference is, he won’t be responsible for financially supporting the state.

*   *   *

I think conspiracy theories are deliberately spread by the government, to keep people from knowing the truth.
At least, that’s what they want you to believe.

*   *   *

Today, a wealthy Prince marries a girl with great legs.
And a nation in debt takes a day off work to celebrate.
I don’t know about you, but I find all of that rather reassuring.

*   *   *

The season’s spring and love’s abroad,
And we all yearn to be adored.
May every Jack possess his Jill,
And every Kate achieve her Will.

*   *   *

Twenty-one priests in Philadelphia have been suspended following an inquiry into widespread child molestation.
I suspect they’re just being required to give it up for Lent.

*   *   *

Three of The Monkees have reunited.
See no Nesmith, hear no Nesmith, speak no Nesmith.

*   *   *

Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, Gordon Ramsay, that guy on DWTS and now Ricky Gervais.
Why are Americans so eager to be insulted by Britons?
What really pisses me off is that I do it all the time and don’t get paid for it.

*   *   *

So Huckleberry Finn is being published with certain words omitted, and the Constitution is read out in the House of Representatives with some parts left out.
All of this presumably based on the theory that the authors didn’t really mean some of the things they said.
What next? Parts of the Bible are literally true and some of its laws must be obeyed absolutely, while others can be conveniently ignored? Imagine.

*   *   *

Katie Couric says we need a Muslim sitcom on TV.
Why not Curb Your Fundamentalism, Muhammad in the Middle, Arrested Insurgency, My Wives & Kids,
or 8 Simple Rules for Arranging a Marriage with My Teenage Daughter?
I’m afraid they’re all likely to bomb.

*   *   *

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab.
Mind you, I only update this site every 24 hours, so don’t quote me on that.

*   *   *

2010.
Did you see Spiderman’s accident? It was on the Web.

*   *   *

The US is split on whether the spiraling deficit is best fixed by increased taxation or reduced government spending.
Legislators have reached a compromise - they will do neither. Tax breaks will stay and unemployment benefit will be extended.
By contrast, Britain has decided that the way to get out of debt is to stage a very expensive Royal Wedding and take an extra day off work to celebrate it.
Both nations appear to be in equally capable hands.

*   *   *

Yesterday, Kanye West interrupted his performance in New York, to deliver a 10-minutes rant about Taylor Swift and the media.
Either that or it was his latest song.

*   *   *

I don’t need the TSA verifying that I don’t have an explosive package in my underpants.
At my age, I know that.

*   *   *

The TSA’s new “enhanced” pat down needn’t be so bad.
They should just outsource the job to the girls of Nevada’s Bunny Ranch.

*   *   *

So Medium is being cancelled.
We should have seen that coming.

*   *   *

This is Jimmy Kimmel’s National Unfriend Day.
But can I afford to offend both of them?

*   *   *

Bristol Palin is still surviving on Dancing with the Stars.
Obviously, you don’t need talent to get pubic support.
I wonder where she learned that?

*   *   *

President Obama is in India to improve trade.
Maybe he should begin by outsourcing the Presidency.

*   *   *

Barack Obama is of mixed race - half black, half white.
That’s why he used to be America’s first black President.
And now he’s just another failed white President.

*   *   *

Californians are voting for the legalization of marijuana today.
I’m hoping for a high turnout.

*   *   *

Charlie Sheen is part of Two and a Half Men.
I guess his co-stars must be the other two and four-tenths.

*   *   *

On Dancing With the Stars last night Bristol Palin learned that no matter how much faith you have in your partner and no matter how much care you take to avoid mistakes, things can still go wrong.
But I expect she knew that already.

*   *   *

Let’s ease up on Christine O'Donnell.
Who among us can put our hand on our heart and honestly say we have never spent a night out cavorting on a Satanic altar, surrounded by pools of blood?
Exactly.   Cut her some slack, people!

*   *   *

Don’t be too hard on the BP CEO for taking time off to go boating.
He’s improving his sailing skills now that he realizes oil will run out sooner than expected.

*   *   *

President Obama is very concerned about the oil that BP, a British company, is spilling in the Gulf.
He seems less concerned about the blood the British are spilling in Iraq and Afghanistan.

*   *   *

Artist Thomas Kinkade has been arrested on suspicion of drunken driving.
He’ll be fine.   If he can get away with painting those pictures, he can get away with anything.

*   *   *

BP may try to stop that leak in the Gulf by pumping garbage into the hole.
Things like rubber tires, golf balls, the severed heads of BP executives…

*   *   *

Lack of job security continues to be a problem.
If even the Pope’s job is on the line, what chance do the rest of us have?

*   *   *

The US Mint issued quarters for the 50 states…
…then for DC, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, Guam, the U.S. Virgin Islands and Northern Mariana Islands.
Nothing for Guantanamo Bay?
Why not?   The reverse could show someone being waterboarded.
Maybe the coins have been minted but there’s no agreement on when to release them.

*   *   *

Toyota President Akio Toyoda appeared before Congress today.
They had no trouble getting him to talk.
They just couldn’t get him to stop.

*   *   *

Kevin Smith got thrown off a Southwest flight for being too fat.
Or maybe it was just that they’d seen his movies.

He claims they refused to take off with him on board.
They say they couldn’t take off with him on board.

I have to say, I wouldn’t want to share a flight with Kevin.
Not that I’d be afraid of him breaking the toilet,
I just wouldn’t want to use it after him.

No doubt he'll be doing the chat show circuit with this one.
But they have to get the studio seats reinforced first.
Oprah wants it in his contract that he won't jump on the couch.

*   *   *

That wasn’t a cheat-sheet Sarah Palin had written on her palm.
It was her entire political manifesto.

*   *   *

Who dat? De Who dat? Who dat dink dey cun still rock ‘n’ roll?

*   *   *

Is Tiger Woods really at a sex-addiction rehab clinic?
I wonder if they try a homeopathic remedy, giving dilute doses of sex until a resistance is built up.
It never worked for me.
Mind you, it’s an addiction I’ve not been able to feed anyway.

*   *   *

So, Pope John Paul II self-flagellated.
It’s all about the redemptive power of suffering.
Of course, if they really believed in that, they’d allow their clergy to marry.

*   *   *

So Scientologists are in Haiti to perform healing rituals on survivors.
That’s all they needed – more voodoo.

*   *   *

I've neglected this site while I've been ill.
I should have rented it out to Jay Leno.
It would have given him a larger audience,
and me an easy act to follow.

*   *   *

AT&T have decided to no longer sponsor Tiger Woods.
They tried to call him to tell him, but he was outside their coverage area.

*   *   *

2009.
Pig pandemic poems:

Two viruses emerged in a wood, and I—
I caught the swine flu, not sure why,
And that has made me all the sicker.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Put them both on my grave,
If I die of the flu.

If I should die, think only this of me;
That there's some corner of a foreign field
That is for ever in negative equity.

How do I catch flu? Let me count the ways.
I catch it at the office and on the bus there,
While running the gauntlet, on my working days,
Of coughs and sneezes. Are handkerchiefs so rare?

I wondered lonely with the flu,
That spreads like mad through vales and hills,
When all at once I saw were due,
A host of costly doctor’s bills.

*   *   *

I'm beginning to wonder how many holes Tiger Woods has played.
No wonder he's taking a break from golf.
He must be exhausted.

*   *   *

Tiger! Tiger! burning bright
In the bedrooms of the night
What immoral hand or eye
Provokes thy promiscuity?

*   *   *

If Obama achieves peace between both sides in the healthcare debate, he’ll deserve his Nobel Prize.

*   *   *

There was a historic event in Washington today:
Chief Justice Roberts got an oath right.

*   *   *

Bill Clinton can’t even visit North Korea without picking up a couple of young women.

*   *   *

What we have learned from the Gates/Crowley ‘teachable moment’:
Never report a suspected break-in to the police.   Walk on by.
If you are a black police sergeant, do not speak out in support of a white officer.
If you are a Police Chief, instruct your officers to ignore all reports of daytime break-ins.
The President, who is only half-black, drinks Bud Light, which is only half-beer.

*   *   *

President Obama says he could have ‘calibrated’ his words differently.
That sounds eerily like the kind of thing Bush would have said.
When asked if he would apologize, Obama yelled, “Why, because I’m a black man in America?”

*   *   *

Now that Alaskans have traded in Sarah Palin for a new Governor, can they claim money from the ‘cash for clunkers’ program?

*   *   *

My friend’s marriage has failed.
So he’s filed for a reality show.

*   *   *

Some commentators are optimistic about the American economy, some are pessimistic.
It’s all a matter of whether you see the glass as nine-tenths empty or one-tenth full.

*   *   *

Mel Gibson once boasted of owning 'half of Malibu'.
Now it looks like he might have to settle for a quarter.

*   *   *

President Obama gave Prime Minister Brown a gift of DVDs he can’t play, and Queen Elizabeth II a gift of an iPod she already has.
To his fellow Americans, he gives a bailout package they can’t afford.

*   *   *

The Obama team is certainly delivering on tax cuts.
Most have already shown the way by cutting their own taxes.

*   *   *

2008.
Now we know we have problems.
Even the President-elect has lost his shirt.

*   *   *

It seems President Bush is coming under fire from the left and the right.
Bush said the shoes thrown at him were size 10s, but he always did overestimate Iraqi weapon capability.
I suppose shoes could be weapons of moss destruction.

*   *   *

So Oprah has announced she’s fat.
Isn’t that like Clay Aiken announcing he was gay?
What next?   President Bush admitting he's stupid?

*   *   *

No wonder OJ is so upset.
How can he ever catch the ‘real killer’ if he’s behind bars?

*   *   *

When Sarah Palin was asked how she felt being interviewed while a turkey was being slaughtered,
she said, “Leave Senator McCain out of this”.

*   *   *

Bush says he will write a book after his Presidency ends.   What will he call it?
Some suggestions:
Mishun Akumplished.
A Misunderestimated Presidency.
Dead or Alive?   How I Changed America’s Economy.

*   *   *

The American dream is vindicated!   Regardless of color, the candidate who spent most won.

Well, how could Obama lose,   with a running mate named Joe?

Just as I was wondering if we could be any worse off,   The slogan of the day becomes “Yes we can!”

But in his victory speech, when the new Pres-elect was thanking his family, he forgot to mention his aunt.

*   *   *

Governor Schwarzenegger’s message to Washington: “I’ll be broke.”

*   *   *

OJ’s conviction might be a blessing in disguise for him.
While inside, he may encounter the ‘real killer’.

*   *   *

David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction.
He wants to become Teatotal.

*   *   *

When McCain announces his running mate, will he do it by semaphore or Aldis lamp?

*   *   *

The Democratic Convention needed its 'regular Joe'.
No one was sure what a 'regular Barack' is.

*   *   *

So McCain can’t count how many homes he owns, and Obama can’t send a text message on time.
Can we rerun the Primaries, please?

*   *   *

Supporters of Hillary can console themselves with the thought that at least Biden will be using her speeches.

*   *   *

Is the IOC saying How Yung is a Chinese gymnast?

*   *   *

The IOC isn’t concerned about the age of Chinese gymnasts,
although they are testing the infant formula for steroids.

*   *   *

I think the US will eventually have to boycott the Beijing Olympics.
There won’t be any flights.

*   *   *

Paul McCartney has bid farewell to Ms Mills,
And she’s hopped away with his cash,
She took enough with her to pay all her bills,
But he still has a sizeable stash.

*   *   *

So Eliot Spitzer visited a high-end prostitute.
Is that her price bracket or her specialty?

*   *   *

From the halls of Montezuma
And the cliffs of far Iraq,
We are busy tossing puppies
Just to see if they bounce back.
First to fight for right and freedom,
And to keep the sidewalks clean,
We don’t need a pooper-scooper,
We’re United States Marines.

*   *   *

Britney, if you think massage therapy would help, I’m your man.
The thing is, when the kids are better off with Kevin Federline, then you know the mother has problems.
But was I the only person watching the paparazzi chase the ambulance, who wished that it would back up?

*   *   *

2007.

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair has converted to Roman Catholicism.
He now regards someone else as infallible, too.

*   *   *

Warren Jeffs has been sentenced to 10 years to life.
Utah is allocating extra school buses in case he’s granted conjugal visits.

*   *   *

Fires are ravaging Malibu.
Why isn't Mel Gibson using his influence and praying for rain?

*   *   *

What’s up with Sen. Larry Craig?   He of all people should know when to stick it out and when to withdraw.

*   *   *

OJ Simpson is charged with stealing back some of his ‘memorabilia’.
You know the sort of thing: football helmet, bloodstained clothing, knives…

*   *   *

When Osama Bin Laden gives a better video performance than Britney Spears, what’s the world coming to?

*   *   *

Is it any surprise that Laura Bush has been suffering from a pain in the neck?

*   *   *

So President Bush confused APEC with OPEC, and Australia with Austria.
But, to be fair, he's not alone -- many people confuse Iraq with Vietnam.

*   *   *

Sen. Larry Craig doesn't need to come out of the closet.
He just needs to be careful where he puts his feet when he's in there.

*   *   *

It took just four hours to fit Dick Cheney's heart with a new pacemaker battery.
Three and a half hours were spent convincing surgeons that Cheney actually had a heart.

*   *   *

I just got Windows Vista.   It's very intuitive (if you ever figure out how to open the bloody box).


2006.

When the President talked about 'Dead or Alive' posters, I didn't realize we were going to see actual lynch mobs.

*   *   *

David Beckham's getting much more money than other MLS players.   Still, if he can't bend the rules, who can?

*   *   *

So Mike Tyson 'nearly hit' a Sheriff's vehicle.   That's true to form.   Last time I saw him, he nearly hit Lennox Lewis.

*   *   *

So George Bush Sr. can't talk about his sons without crying.
A lot of people feel the same way.

*   *   *

British scientists are seeking permission to fuse a human cell with a cow egg.
Why?   Isn't one Rosanne Barr enough?.

*   *   *

The only way Michael Richards and Mel Gibson will get to make more movies is by forming their own studio.
They are calling it "United Bigots" and their first production will be a remake of the classic Intolerance.

*   *   *

O.J. has written a book about how he "would have" murdered his wife and friend, IF he had done it.
Now he should be shown how he "would have" been punished, IF he had been found guilty.

*   *   *

Now that Arnie's in Mexico, President Bush is suddenly keen to get that wall built very quickly.

*   *   *

So Arnie's back as California Governor.
He never could resist a sequel, though we sometimes wished he had.

*   *   *

Remember to vote on Tuesday!   Every vote counts
(Unless of course you use a Diebold machine).

*   *   *

Only a few days to go until the election, and excitement is mounting:
Which party will win, the one with most votes, or the GOP?

*   *   *

To keep track of dogs, Authorities in China have started embedding electronic tags under the animals’ skin.
Now, if you eat your Shanghai neighbor’s pet, you have just a few hours to get rid of the evidence.

*   *   *

I don't think I want to know what the brown stuff is on Kenny Rogers' hand, or why he should want to rub it on his balls.
I just wouldn't want to high-five him after the game.

*   *   *

So, the British are going to reintroduce prison ships.
They should use Disney cruise liners; very little conversion work would be necessary.

*   *   *

President Bush has demanded that the Iraqis pronounce judgment on Saddam.
In return they have demanded that Bush pronounce 'nuclear'.

*   *   *

So the Shuttle Atlantis crew report a foul odor and a floating object.
Well, if they've been living on space-food all that time...

*   *   *

Q: How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Dick Cheney to authorize the change, The President to declare "mission accomplished" while the job is still only half done,
and Condoleezza Rice to actually do it.

*   *   *

The current World Chess Championship is threatened because a player objects to the number of toilet visits his opponent makes (true).
I suppose it's not the visits themselves that's troubling him, it's the thought of having to shake hands after the game.

*   *   *

Police have found George Michael asleep at the wheel of his car, for the third time this year.
Fans who have witnessed his latest stage performances say he was probably just rehearsing.

*   *   *

Will there be an official report on the Mark Foley scandal?
If so, expect it to contain plenty of well thumbed pages.

*   *   *

Authorities say Malibu Beach is being polluted by effluence from movie stars' homes.
I suggest Mel Gibson as an obvious source of it.
(Now watch out for "The Passing of the Crud").

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